


nothing can prepare me for the heartbreak of losing you

by justsparkles



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, Drunkenness, M/M, Moving Out, Post-Break Up, basically jeonghan moving out, joshua being an asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28816158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justsparkles/pseuds/justsparkles
Summary: Jeonghan was ready to find a new home.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	nothing can prepare me for the heartbreak of losing you

**Author's Note:**

> Would like to say thank you to my amazing beta, L, for reading this.
> 
> TW // mentions of alcohol, drunk joshua.

_ You are my home, mon amour. _

What a joke.

Jeonghan could only stare at the apartment that used to be his. Today is the day he is finally moving out of the place he called home. The movers had gotten much of his items, and they didn't need to make a return trip. Jeonghan manages to get everything done in one day, as he doesn’t want to come back to a nightmare.

As the movers load his stuff into the moving van, his best friend, Seungcheol, stares at the apartment in front of him.

“I’m proud of you,” his best friend whispers, probably hoping to give him comfort. Sadly, all it does is remind him of why he was leaving initially.

Jeonghan knows that things don’t always work out the way he wants to. It was just really crappy to think that the one thing he hoped would go his way...didn’t.

The two friends just stare blankly ahead at the scene of the movers gathering the rest of the items, and loading them up. As the number of items lessen, Jeonghan’s heart just fills with sorrow.

“Does he know?” Seungcheol asks him, as the last piece of furniture was loaded.

“No,” Jeonghan’s voice cracks.

He gets pulled into a hug by Seungcheol, releasing all of the pent-up emotions Jeonghan has been keeping inside him. The sobs grow louder, and the hug gets tighter. Jeonghan feels like he was drowning in a sea that didn’t want him to catch the lifesaver thrown out for him even though he swam as hard as he could. Nothing prepared him for the departure from a house he considered his solace for six years.

Jeonghan wishes he didn’t have to go. This shabby, old apartment used to be the only place that gave him comfort. At the end of every day, he would come home to a lit-up fireplace, to the smell of chicken and mashed potatoes, and to the sound of a sitcom he knew he was not going to watch. He would wake up to sunlight peering from his curtain, the birds singing praises to Mother Nature, and coffee being brewed before he left for work.

He used to come home to a warm hearth. Now it was a hollow, ice-cold collection of rooms that held no more semblance of a sanctuary.

“Mr. Yoon,” the head mover approaches him. “Just say the word, and we’ll be ready to go.”

“Thank you,” he gently whispers, grateful that they didn’t question the tear stains on his face.

“Do you want to take a look at it one last time?” Seungcheol asks him.

Jeonghan shakes his head. “We better go. I don’t want him to see me anymore.”

Seungcheol leaves him, as he gets into the car and starts the engine. Jeonghan moves forward, yet glancing back at his former place of residence.

That was probably the biggest mistake he made, because as he looked back, there he stood.

Joshua.

When their eyes meet, Jeonghan forces the walls he built to not crumble. Joshua looks disheveled, as if he hurried to come home to the apartment they shared. He has his hands on his knees as he tries to catch his breath.

“You...you’re leaving?” Joshua asks with a shaky breath.

Jeonghan simply nods. “How did you even know?”

“I got a call from Minghao.”

He sees Joshua walk closer to where he is, but every step Joshua takes, Jeonghan moves away. He doesn’t want to be near him. Joshua looks surprised at his actions, and stays put instead. Jeonghan could see the pang of pain that flashed on Joshua’s face, but he decided to not pay any mind to it. He was done caring about what the other man thought or felt.

As far as Jeonghan knows, everything was over between them.

“Why?” Joshua asks in a pained whisper that he could still hear. “Why are you leaving?”

“We’re over, right?”

Jeonghan looks at Joshua dead straight in the eyes, his voice laced with venom as he continues to speak. “There’s no reason for me to stay here anymore.”

“Jeonghan, this is your home--”

“No. Not anymore.”

Jeonghan stands firm, not letting the waves of emotions faze him. He was too hurt to give a shit about how Joshua felt. He only spoke the truth: there was no longer a reason to call this apartment his home. Even if this was the apartment he fell in love with as he searched through classified ads for a place he and Joshua could live in. Even if this was the place they felt most loved, most vulnerable, most...them. No, this apartment was no longer his home.

Joshua made himself very clear about that.

“Jeonghan…”

“I’m leaving, Joshua,” he says. “You can have the house. You can have the game console. You can have the remaining furniture. You can have the photo albums. Good bye.”

As Jeonghan walks towards Seungcheol’s car, ready to leave this mess behind, he feels a pair of strong arms wrap around his waist, pulling him close.

“Jeonghan, don’t go.”

Tears were streaming down Joshua’s face, and Jeonghan could feel it on his back. He freezes, unsure of what he was supposed to do next. In the seven years that they were together, Joshua never cried. Jeonghan was the crier in their relationship. To see Joshua expose this side of him in a public area, begging for him to stay, left Jeonghan’s feet planted firm on the concrete.

He feels the hug grow tighter, desperation felt in Joshua’s touch. However, Jeonghan has to. He has to go. He pries Joshua’s arms from his torso, facing the crying mess.

“Shuji,” Jeonghan uses his nickname for him, “You’re the one who said this relationship was going nowhere. That we didn’t have a future for us. That you wanted to just give up on us.”

Jeonghan fights the tears as he remembers the night they had the biggest argument in the history of their relationship. It was one night he went home, and he saw Joshua just sprawled on their living room floor, piss drunk.

* * *

_ Two bottles of vodka, and an assortment of beer cans were scattered across the living room. Joshua was slurring random words, a string of incoherent phrases were uttered by the drunk man. _

_ This was a rare sight to see, as Joshua was never the drinker. In fact, he has the lowest alcohol tolerance among everyone Jeonghan knew. To see empty bottles of vodka and empty cans of beer, Jeonghan knew Joshua would be nursing a hell of a hangover the following day. _

_ Jeonghan removes his shoes, and proceeds to clean up. He doesn’t say anything to Joshua, as they have been arguing whenever one talks to the other. He just wants his living room clean. _

_ As he picks up the cans from the floor, Joshua stops him. “I’ll clean up,” he tried to say, but mumbles are the only thing that can be heard. _

_ Jeonghan doesn’t pay attention to him, and continues cleaning. Placing the cans in the trash, Jeonghan then goes on to dispose of the bottles on the floor. Once again, Joshua tries to stop Jeonghan from cleaning, but the weaker Joshua succumbs to his drunken state and doesn't put up a fight. _

_ “Jeonghan, let’s break up.” _

_ That was the clearest sentence Joshua has uttered this whole night, which led him to stop what he was doing. At first, Jeonghan was hurt, but he decided to shrug it off. Joshua was drunk, after all. He probably didn’t mean it. _

_ “Jeonghan.” _

_ “Jeonghan.” _

_ “Jeonghan, please. Let’s break up.” _

_ “Jeonghan!” _

_ Joshua yelling finally caught his attention. “What’s wrong with you?!” _

_ Joshua’s face was already full of tears when Jeonghan looked at him. “Please, Jeonghan,” the younger pleads. _

_ “Shuji, go to bed. You’re drunk.” _

_ “I mean it though. Please. Let’s end this.” _

_ How Joshua had the balls to say this was beyond Jeonghan. He couldn’t grasp the fact that his very drunk boyfriend was attempting to end their relationship. Sure, they were arguing almost everyday. Sure, they were going through rough patches. Even so, Jeonghan was adamant on sticking it out because this was the love he never wanted to lose. Joshua is literally Jeonghan’s everything, and the end of their relationship would be devastating. _

_ “Shuji, please, let’s talk when you’re sober.” _

_ “No,” Joshua forces himself to stand up. “I don’t even have the courage to say this while sober. Just please, listen.” _

_ Jeonghan shakes his head, refusing to give in to his request. “Shuji, go to bed.” _

_ “Jeonghan, we’re going nowhere,” Joshua continues to speak. “There’s nothing more for us beyond this state. You want kids, I don’t. You want to move to Italy, I don’t. You want to get married, I don’t. There’s nothing we can do.” _

_ “Joshua,” Jeonghan finally uses his real name. “I don’t see why you’d throw this away because of that.” _

_ “You can’t compromise, neither can I. What’s the point?” _

_ “Okay, so you’re just going to throw in the towel? Wave the white flag? That’s it?” _

_ “What else can I do?!” _

_ “I don’t know!” _

_ At this point, Jeonghan was already choking on his sobs. This was no longer the man who promised him the world. This was who Joshua really was, and it was heartbreaking that he only realizes this seven years into their relationship. _

_ Jeonghan rushes to his room, getting his essentials, and darts towards the door. _

_ “Where the hell are you going?” Joshua shouts after him. _

_ “Away from you. We’re over.” _

* * *

_ It’s been two weeks since Jeonghan left their apartment. It’s been two weeks since Joshua and Jeonghan last spoke to each other. _

_ There was no effort from Joshua to contact him, so he didn’t reach out either. _

_ He was staying with Seungcheol and Jihoon for the meantime. He refuses to go back home and face the mess he and Joshua left behind. Seungcheol was the one who picked up his clothes from their place, refusing to Joshua when he was there. _

_ “Jeonghan, it’s been two weeks. What are you going to do?” Jihoon asks him as they were having dinner together. _

_ To be honest, Jeonghan doesn’t know. He wants to go home and fix everything, but there’s a nagging feeling inside him that says Joshua meant every word that came out of his mouth that night. If that was the case, then everything was truly over between the two of them. _

_ “Ji, I honestly don’t know,” he says, setting his fork down. _

_ Jihoon stands up and sits beside Jeonghan. “Do you want it to be over?” _

_ “Of course, I don’t.” _

_ “But?” _

_ “But Joshua wants it done.” _

_ “What are you going to do now?” _

_ Jeonghan imagines the lit fireplace, the rocking chair, the TV playing FRIENDS even if they’ve finished the show multiple times already, and he knows he wants to go home. _

_ But he can’t. _

_ When Jeonghan stepped out of that door, he knew there was no going back. A place that felt so familiar now feels very strange. There was no going back to the comfort of their home, because it was now tainted with gut-wrenching memories of the time he and Joshua spent together. No amount of reconciliation can give Jeonghan back the warmth he sought from his sanctuary. _

_ No matter how hard Jeonghan wants things to go back to the way they were, they probably never would. _

_ “Jeonghan?” Jihoon shakes him out of his trance. _

_ “Jihoon, can you help me move to Italy?” _

* * *

_  
_

“It’s been two months,” says Jeonghan. “It’s been two months since I left. Why convince me to stay now?”

“It was stupid, okay?” Joshua says through his sobs. “I thought it through. I want a future with you, Jeonghan. Please. Just don’t go.”

No. Jeonghan refuses to bend once more. Joshua had two months to tell him all of this, but decides to show up on the day he has finally accepted the circumstances of the situation.

They are past the point of no return, and there was no going back.

“Joshua, I’m leaving,” Jeonghan starts to say, being firm in his decision. “I’m finally moving to Italy, building the life I’ve always wanted. The difference is, I’m building that life without you.”

“Hannie, please,” Joshua gets down on his knees, holding Jeonghan’s hands in his. “Don’t leave. Don’t go. Stay with me. I can compromise now, just stay.”

“That would be unfair for you,” Jeonghan’s not giving in. “I realize it now. I can’t impose my dreams on you. So I’ll make them come true. Without you.”

“Jeonghan…”

Jeonghan pries his hands away from Joshua. “This is the last time you’ll see me. Please make no attempt to contact me anymore. Good bye, mon amour.”

Jeonghan walks away and doesn’t look back. He got inside Seungcheol’s car despite hearing cries of his name from outside. He refuses to tear the defense he tried so hard to fortify. There was the finality in this encounter, and Jeonghan knows that if he submits to Joshua once more, he’s ensuring himself of an endless cycle of fights and uncertainties.

“You can cry,” Jihoon says from the front seat. “We won’t judge.”

“I’ve had enough crying for today, thank you very much,” Jeonghan replies.

“Where to now?” Seungcheol asks.

Jeonghan’s sure that Joshua is the love of his life, his soulmate.

It just pains him that they wanted different things in this lifetime.

“The airport.”

The home he left behind would be okay. Jeonghan knew Joshua would be able to pick up the pieces and move forward. He would find the relationship he could be comfortable in, wherein they both wanted the same things. They would settle inside the apartment, cook delicious meals, and spend amazing nights together.

Jeonghan also wanted the same thing.

It’s time he found a new home.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought of this fic! Would love to hear from you.


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